You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
