so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
