my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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