Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
