Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
