I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
