my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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