Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I met the friendliest cop last night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize