just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
