I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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