So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wanna passion pit in your ass
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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