just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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