I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need a beard to bite.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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