I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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