She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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