Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize