i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
