She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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