Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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