Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
