Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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