Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you remember whose house we're in?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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