If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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