Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
