You don't have asthma, your pregnant
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
