Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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