Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
