He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so let's talk penis.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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