I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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