wanna go halves on a baby?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
