Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
