I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
