If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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