Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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