The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
