Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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