we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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