I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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