My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
