soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
