I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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