Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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