he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
