my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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