a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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