I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
