well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
