my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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