Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
