I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
