Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We need to get me chipped asap
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize