I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
