Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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