When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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