literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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