Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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